Give your wife any of these crappy Mother’s Day gifts and you’ll be looking for a new place to sleep.
Guys are not exactly known for their ability to pick out the perfect gift. And with Mother’s Day just a few days away there is bound to be a lot of last minute scrambling to bring home something (anything!) to make the women in our lives happy.
But you’d better choose your gift wisely or you’ll suffer the wrath of an angry woman…which is much, much worse than the Wrath of Khan.
Here are 7 Mother’s Day gift ideas that you should avoid at all costs…
For those of you who are new to the female gender, women have a tendency of saying things that are completely opposite to how they really feel.
For example, a woman may insist she doesn’t need or want a Mother’s Day gift when in reality she’s expecting you to read her mind and bring home the perfect gift. Failure to do so can result in consequences that are too horrible to print here.
Trust me…no matter how many times she tells you she really doesn’t want you spending money on a Mother’s Day gift, you’d better be damned sure you don’t come home empty handed.
You’ve heard your wife complain about the blender and the vacuum a million times, so it’s only logical you’d want to replace it for her. But Mother’s Day is not the time for replacing small appliances and you should know better.
She’s expecting flowers, perfume, or a piece of jewelry…not a microwave. Think about it from her point of view. When you give her a Panini press as a gift you’re basically saying, “Get in the kitchen and make me a sammich!”
You don’t have to follow our advice of course, but if you do bring home a waffle maker for Mother’s Day be prepared to duck!
Anything that is Really for You
There’s an old episode of The Honeymooners in which Ralph buys his wife Alice a bowling ball bag. The only problem is Alice doesn’t bowl, but Ralph does.
Needless to say his gift doesn’t go over very well.
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If you’re buying your wife a gift, make sure it is for her…not something for you in disguise.
Lots of sites put a coupon book on their list of “Best Mother’s Day gifts” but in reality it’s a really crappy gift. Sure it sounds nice to create a homemade gift with coupons that your wife can exchange for hugs, free dinners, or other favors. But it won’t be so cute when the coupons gather dust in the drawer or when you always have an excuse not to accept them.
The truth is a coupon book is adorable when coming from one of her kids. But coming from her husband it just looks pathetic.
Name a Star After Her
I remember as a kid hearing those “star registry” commercials playing on the radio. As a space/science geek I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
As an adult I see it more as a novelty, and an expensive one at that. I checked out one popular website that allows you to name a star after a loved one and the prices ranged from the expensive ($54 for an unframed certificate) to the absurd ($489 for a framed certificate and star chart).
While it may seem romantic to honor your wife by naming a star after her as the gift will last billions of years, you’re running the risk of her going supernova over your choice of gifts.
A Cemetery Plot
As crazy as it sounds I actually know someone who almost did this for his wife a few years ago. They had been discussing making burial plans so they could assure themselves a place in the same cemetery where both sets of parents were already buried, and he figured he’d surprise her with a plot of her own as a Mother’s Day gift.
I told him he was crazy and that if he actually went through with his plan he might as well lay down in the plot himself. Fortunately he came to his senses and a gruesome murder scene was avoided.
You can argue all you want that this gift is all about being healthy, but all she’ll hear is how fat she is. And that goes for everything from $1500 treadmills to Carmen Electra’s Lap Dance Workout DVD to any one of these iconic As Seen on TV products.
So what do women want for Mother’s Day? Well, you should know your wife better than anyone else but the key is finding something that is just for her and makes her feel appreciated. A bottle of nice perfume or a pair of earrings always goes over well. Or perhaps a gift certificate to a spa so she can pamper herself a little?
Whatever you decide just make sure you steer clear of the 7 items listed here. If you ignore our advice, you’re on your own!
Moms, what are you hoping to receive for your Mother’s Day gift this year?